Milwaukee, WI – As sirens blared and riot police dressed in tactical combat gear deployed tear gas, violent clashes continued yesterday between traditional and contemporary Lutheran worship camps.
What began as a peaceful regional worship conference quickly degenerated into a bloody battle between rival worship factions. All proceeded calmly until the opening service, when it became apparent that a praise band would be performing “How Great is Our God” as the members celebrated communion using the continuous flow method.
The indistinct rumbles of dissatisfaction grew to shouts of outrage as the praise band members filed in to take their places. Conservative members of the crowd rushed forward in self-righteous fury to forcibly remove the band members from the sanctuary, while contemporary allies of the band battled back using hymnals, chairs, and other improvised church weaponry.
“The situation escalated rather quickly,” commented Patrick Behm, an attendee of the worship conference. “One minute I was singing ‘We All Believe in One True God’ with the congregation and the next I was dragging a guitar player out of the sanctuary by his hair! I’ll admit, I lost control, but how can one resist taking action in light of such a blatant sacrilege?”
At press time, a Milwaukee city police department spokesperson confirmed the scale of the riots, stating that 350 people had been arrested and 200 admitted to local hospitals.Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!