Unveiled: The Secret Lutheran Doomsday Jello Repository

Unveiled: The Secret Lutheran Doomsday Jello Repository

Undisclosed Location, SD – In the midst of South Dakota’s idyllic cornfields, a heavily fortified compound houses some of the most sacred Lutheran treasures. Behind miles of razor wire fencing, blast proof concrete walls, and a secure elevator ride 300 feet straight down into bedrock, lies the Lutheran Doomsday Jello Repository.

“Imagine a potluck or family get-together without some sort of jello fruit salad,” said Director of Product Selection Pastor James Davidson. “The outcome would be truly catastrophic! Our mission is to ensure a safe and reliable supply of jello for the Lutheran community at large.”

A visit through the four foot thick blast doors and down the massive industrial elevator reveals a vast subterranean facility stocked with millions of packages of gelatin powder. Common and popular flavors such as strawberry, orange, and raspberry make up the majority of the stockpile, while smaller bunkers contain rare flavors including lemon, mango, and tropical fusion.

“Our fleet of 320 semi-trucks stands by 24 hours a day for emergency domestic deliveries, and our close proximity to the Martin Luther Launch Complex permits us worldwide reach of this vital Lutheran commodity,” continued Pastor Davidson.



Critics of the facility have railed against the millions of dollars spent on gelatin products, security protocols, and transportation. Is this service even necessary? Could Lutheran funds be directed towards more traditional ventures?

“During Hurricane Harvey alone we delivered 40 truckloads of gelatin to various churches in the Houston area,” said Pastor Davidson. “The tears of joy and gratitude on the faces of those Lutherans should answer any question of our importance.”

So if your church’s basement floods and your jello supply is in ruins, don’t hesitate to call for help! Dial 1-800-GELATIN to arrange your emergency supply of jello today.

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4 Comments on “Unveiled: The Secret Lutheran Doomsday Jello Repository”

  1. OK! My favorite rant topic isJello, even more than Cool Whip and ubiquitous bacon. My husband and I have commented about liturgical Jello! In our opinion, Luthrtsn Jello is red, with fruit, Catholic Jello is lemon with vegetables, I.e, raw carrots, celery, occ cabbage , and among the more confused, pineapple.
    I decided that Prysbetharian Jello is lime with pears and cinnamon mayo. You can imagine my shock to find that they are preempted by the Mormans who hold the record for lime Jello usage.The Chicago Trib posted a report that they sometimes add pretzels. Highest Jello sales in the USA are first-Iowa,
    Second-Utah. When our ministers father died , I told him that that the marker of his esteem would be the number of Jello salads served at the funeral (small town Minnesota) The Lutheran holy land. Just saying.

  2. Not at all surprised! I think they may have a Spam connection, too. They have a large influence on Oahu. And Hawaii is the largest consumer of Spam. Still haven’t been to the Spam Museum in Albert Lee, MN. The concept has limited appeal for me. I like your sense of humor.I posted you commentary about excommunication for applause and my cousin in Omaha. Took it seriously and said who would belong to this type of organization. I had to explain to him that it was satire. But the guy lives in a Catholic cloud. , so I should not be surprised. Linda

  3. My in laws went to a Lutheran Church that had Norwegian ancestry. Every year the church celebrated May 17, Nor wegian Independence Day (Syttende Mai) . A feast of Norwegian food was prepared and a fee charged per diner. Food included lose,
    Lutefisk,Fisk bollar., krumkake, rommegrut and various cookies,
    And Norwegian meatballs. I can only imagine the uproar if no lutefisk was available and Spam was substituted.

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