Undisclosed Location, SD – In the midst of South Dakota’s idyllic cornfields, a heavily fortified compound houses some of the most sacred Lutheran treasures. Behind miles of razor wire fencing, blast proof concrete walls, and a secure elevator ride 300 feet straight down into bedrock, lies the Lutheran Doomsday Jello Repository.
“Imagine a potluck or family get-together without some sort of jello fruit salad,” said Director of Product Selection Pastor James Davidson. “The outcome would be truly catastrophic! Our mission is to ensure a safe and reliable supply of jello for the Lutheran community at large.”
A visit through the four foot thick blast doors and down the massive industrial elevator reveals a vast subterranean facility stocked with millions of packages of gelatin powder. Common and popular flavors such as strawberry, orange, and raspberry make up the majority of the stockpile, while smaller bunkers contain rare flavors including lemon, mango, and tropical fusion.
“Our fleet of 320 semi-trucks stands by 24 hours a day for emergency domestic deliveries, and our close proximity to the Martin Luther Launch Complex permits us worldwide reach of this vital Lutheran commodity,” continued Pastor Davidson.
Critics of the facility have railed against the millions of dollars spent on gelatin products, security protocols, and transportation. Is this service even necessary? Could Lutheran funds be directed towards more traditional ventures?
“During Hurricane Harvey alone we delivered 40 truckloads of gelatin to various churches in the Houston area,” said Pastor Davidson. “The tears of joy and gratitude on the faces of those Lutherans should answer any question of our importance.”
So if your church’s basement floods and your jello supply is in ruins, don’t hesitate to call for help! Dial 1-800-GELATIN to arrange your emergency supply of jello today.Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!