Talkative Members Refuse All Hints to Leave After Church

Talkative Members Refuse All Hints to Leave After Church

Montour, IA – Ushers at St. Bartholomew Lutheran Church were at their wits’ end this past Sunday as two talkative members resisted all the usual attempts to drive them out of the sanctuary following the conclusion of the service.

“Boy, it sure is getting late!” one usher shouted to another as the last light was turned off and the sanctuary plunged into complete and utter darkness.

“Yes, I can’t wait to go home and eat lunch!” another loudly said as he repeatedly slammed the exterior door while looking at his watch in despair.

Wives huddled in sheer boredom with their children, waiting in vain as their oblivious husbands kept right on talking about rainfall totals, self propelled lawn mowers, and off season football stories.

Anxiety set in. Children tugged at their dads, ushers maneuvered menacingly close in attempts to break up the conversation, and wives loudly jingled keys in failed attempts to lure their husbands out the door.



In sheer desperation, lead usher Harold Remington cranked the heat up to 95, resolving to turn the church into a sauna in order to sweat the men out. As the temperature soared, shirt sleeves were casually rolled up, beads of perspiration wiped with handkerchiefs, and the conversation continued unabated.

Finally, in sheer desperation, the fire alarm was pulled. Success!

Despite the ordeal, the typical Lutheran ushers were all in agreement: today’s long, painful ordeal was still easier than just telling the men to leave.

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One Comment on “Talkative Members Refuse All Hints to Leave After Church”

  1. Exactly what Churches with dwindling Congregations need to do – make the environment as unfriendly as possible. Idiots.

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