Champaign, IL – 50 people have been arrested and scores more excommunicated in the wake of an unprecedented Sunday School bribery and cheating scandal uncovered this week.
“Forget about Ivy League universities,” said Pastor James Roberts. “The real Lutheran Holy Grail is admittance to exclusive Sunday School classes. Where else can your child be guaranteed eternal salvation? The difference between elite and average Sunday School lessons, songs, and crafts may very well determine your child’s eternal destiny.”
Competition is fierce for the most coveted spots. Admission to Delores Hamilton’s elite 1st grade Sunday School class, for example, requires a sixth grade reading level, ability to use adult scissors, and complete memorization of the book of Hebrews.
In a shocking development, investigators found that wealthy congregants paid Sunday School consultants hundreds of thousands of dollars to fake doctrinal test results, inflate coloring abilities, and provide irrefutable evidence of potty training.
Parents are outraged at the deception.
“I had to settle for the 1st grade Sunday School class at St. Bartholomew’s,” said distraught parent Janice Peterson. “My son now refuses to eat cauliflower and joined a street gang. He’s even talking about dating a soprano!”Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!