Rapid City, SD – A exhaustive, ten-year study by the Lutheran Scientific Bureau recently revealed that contemporary music may be even more dangerous than previously thought.
It’s a well-established fact that contemporary music has divided congregations based on its controversial style and substance, but the true depth of its insidious nature will shock even the most hardened Lutheran.
The Bureau’s report revealed that the vibrations created by acoustic guitar strings and electrical signals produced by the myriad of contemporary music instruments and microphones effectively block all prayer signals from leaving the church.
“In the course of our ground-breaking research, we discovered that prayer waves do, in fact, have a distinct wavelength and frequency,” said Lutheran Scientific Bureau spokesman Pastor Harold Schmidt. “However, the acoustic guitar strings and electrical signals produced by wireless microphones, amplifiers, and electronic drums operate on a remarkably similar frequency. Tragically, it appears that the amplification of the electrical signals effectively blocks out all prayer signals from transmitting to heaven.”
As Luther would ask, ‘What does this mean?’ Quite simply: the prayers of any Lutheran attending a church with contemporary music equipment have been completely ineffective. The Bureau revealed that any prayers uttered or thought while contemporary music was playing had absolutely no chance of leaving the sanctuary. Even the passive interference created by energized amplifiers blocked the prayers of all but the most fervent believers.
What do congregations do now? The simple and obvious solution: cart all that contemporary music equipment off to the landfill. For those who want to hold on to their newfangled musical traditions, there is only one solution: cover all microphones, cables, and speakers in a lead-lined sheathing and encase the entire praise band in a Faraday cage. Only then can the prayers of the faithful travel to heaven unmolested.Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!