Shocking New Report: Padded Pews Causing Record Numbers to Fall From Faith

Shocking New Report: Padded Pews Causing Record Numbers to Fall From Faith

Mt. Gilead, OH – They seem so harmless, so comfortable, so luxurious… What could possibly be wrong with padded pews? A shocking new report released this past week reveals the ugly truth: padded pews are a clear and present danger to salvation.

“The data is clear,” said lead analyst Pastor David Thompson. “Churches with padded pews are twelve times more likely to have their members fall from faith. Not since the advent of the electric guitar has a single item threatened the salvation of so many of the faithful.”

The exhaustive survey, which studied hundreds of churches equipped with traditional hard wooden pews and new-fangled padded ones, drew startling conclusions. First, padded pews tended to create soft and spineless Lutherans who fell away at the first sign of persecution. Second, padded pews acted as a ‘gateway drug’ to other mindless opulence such as snowblowers, central air conditioning, and cruise control. Finally, churches equipped with individual padded chairs will have not a single one of their members enter eternal glory.

The insidious nature of padded pews was evident in the comments from survey participants.

“Our church switched to padded pews in 1999,” wrote survey participant Delores Hamilton. “I was overjoyed – they were so comfortable! But then my life began to change… My mind wandered during church. My friends and I fell into the sin of gossip. I began to speed while driving. I finally hit rock bottom after being caught shoplifting at Walmart. I confessed my sins at Women’s Bible Study – and lo and behold, everyone else was having similar issues! We ripped the padding off the pews just in time – and saved our church. The chairmen of the board of elders was days away from leaving his wife and family when the hard shock of wooden pews brought him back to his senses.”

Does your church have padded pews? It’s not too late! You can still save yourself and your family. Grab a hammer, chisel, and head over to church right now! That cushioning will look great in the landfill right next to the praise band equipment.

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