Whitman, NE – A full-scale investigation has been launched into possible Russian election interference after suspicious irregularities were detected in St. Matthew’s annual church council elections.
The elections, which in typical Lutheran fashion featured the same four volunteers rotating between leadership positions, attracted national attention after unknown Russians were announced as the runaway winners of this year’s election.
“How does a congregation of Norwegian Lutherans elect ‘Sergei Orlov’ to be head of the Outreach Committee?” asked incredulous former Financial Secretary Morton Anderson. “He doesn’t even go to our church! And how am I supposed to give ‘Dmitri Vasiliev’ the church checkbook? I’ve never even met the man!”
“We discovered multiple irregularities in the voting process and results,” said Lutheran election investigator Pastor Joshua Graham. “Despite St. Matthew’s only having 40 voting members, more than 50,000 votes were cast in the most recent election, the vast majority endorsing Russian candidates. Our social media monitors also picked up an uptick in Russian chatter including the words ‘Whitman, Nebraska,’ ‘St. Matthews Lutheran Church,’ ‘secret plan to steal church council election,’ and ‘this is only a rehearsal for a larger secret Russian takeover of the entire Lutheran church.’ ”
In addition, Pastor Grant noticed a suspicious truck full of Russians pulling away from the church just before the votes were tallied on Wednesday morning.
While the evidence pointing towards Russian election interference seems overwhelming, some locals still aren’t convinced.
“It’s all a coincidence,” said influential church member and probable Russian colluder Timothy Lawson. “Nikolai Mischinsky will make a great Church President, once we all get to know him. Why shouldn’t we trust the results of the election? I helped count the 240 boxes of ballots myself!”Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!