Belle Fourche, SD – After years of painstaking research, scholars at the Lutheran Relationship Institute have revealed the answer to every Lutheran man’s deepest question: what do women find attractive in Lutheran men?
“We were astounded by the results,” said lead data analyst Pastor Jacob Brenner. “What makes a Lutheran woman’s heart tremble with longing and turns her thoughts from pious meditation to unholy passion isn’t physical attractiveness, a large bank account, or even doctrinal agreement, but rather a man’s ability to effectively sing traditional Lutheran hymnary.”
The results were shocking – women were 12 times more likely to select potential mates based on their ability to sing hymns. Stoic Lutheran women who participated in the study found themselves overcome with strange and powerful emotions while watching Lutheran men sing classic hymns such as “Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow” and “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.”
“In the most extreme cases we had to forcibly subdue and sedate 14 women who started frantically throwing themselves against the glass separating test subjects from the vocalists in a last ditch attempt to get the man’s attention,” said Pastor Brenner. “They certainly were embarrassed when we showed them the footage after they woke up!”
An exhaustive study of hundreds of Lutheran churches revealed that women just can’t resist a man who sings in tune. If a man can sing in four part harmony, then fasten your seat belt, because things are going to get crazy! In one recorded instance, a love-struck bride-to-be left her fiance at the altar during her own wedding ceremony for a golden throated male vocalist.
In unrelated news, Lutheran men everywhere are clamoring for singing lessons.Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!