Real Lutherans Shun Snowblowers

True Lutherans Shun Snowblowers

Minneapolis, MN – For the 92nd year in a row, real Lutherans everywhere are shunning the ease and convenience of the snowblower in favor of good old-fashioned snow shovels and scrapers.

In a survey conducted by the National Lutheran Council, 97% of practicing Lutherans denied owning, operating, or having anything to do with “that filthy contraption that weakens the body and corrupts the soul,” as one respondent commented.

In an overwhelming fashion, Lutherans across America decried the snowblower, rating snowblower ownership slightly below television equipped with cable channels as a proven indicator of laziness and spiritual apathy.

“Why would I ever buy a snowblower?” asked local Lutheran George Wilson. “The Good Lord gave me long arms, a strong back, and the constitution to work outside in the freezing cold for hours at a time. Once I get a snowblower, what’s next? Air conditioning? Heat turned up warmer than 65?”

In a troubling development that bodes ill for the future of Lutheranism, 28% of Lutheran Millennials admitted to snowblower ownership.

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