Omaha, NE – Panic-stricken mobs of Lutherans are flooding shopping centers nationwide in a desperate attempt to finish their Christmas 2019 shopping on time.
“Where did the year go?” bemoaned Eleanor Davis. “I’ve only got 367 days to finish shopping for my last person! Get out of my way!”
The increasingly desperate bands of roaming Lutherans were seen ravaging department stores while searching for affordable crock pots, functional and modest winter pajamas, and discounted bulk bags of coffee beans in the waning 12 months before Christmas 2019.
“I don’t know how people wait until less than one year before Christmas to get their shopping done!” exclaimed Richard Sawyer. “If I don’t get done by tonight, it’ll be the closest I ever cut it to Christmas! At least I still have three years worth of expenses in savings.”
Some Lutherans shopped not for themselves or others, but to save mankind. Local Lutheran Samantha Jacobson was spotted leaving a local store with her shopping cart full of Christmas contemporary music CDs.
“Oh, these are definitely not gifts,” she said seriously. “I always buy out the supply every year and bury them in my backyard. A contemporary version of “Silent Night?” I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”