Lutheran singles everywhere rejoiced this week as the highly anticipated dating website “Lutherans Only” launched to great fanfare and unprecedented demand.
“Lutherans Only is great!” exclaimed newly registered member Emily Graham. “I had tried everything: enrolled in a Lutheran college, joined the 20’s club at church, I even let the old ladies in my congregation set me up with their single farmer grandsons…nothing worked! But guess what? In only three days I’ve already gotten twelve replies on Lutherans Only and have a date this weekend!”
So what makes Lutherans Only so great? Why should every eligible single Lutheran sign up before the sun goes down? Three words: Doctrinal Matching Algorithms. Regular dating websites match couples using shallow and meaningless criteria like common interests, desired body type, etc, but Lutherans Only focuses on what really matters – doctrinal compatibility.
“Let’s face it, Lutherans are a picky bunch when it comes to doctrinal issues,” said Lutherans Only co-founder Pastor James Mattingly. “The only reason I married my wife is because she shared the same beliefs as me on Real Presence at the Lord’s Supper! Most Lutherans have three choices: settle for one of the three other eligible singles in their congregation, unevenly yoke themselves with a heathen unbeliever who will corrupt their soul and cost them their salvation, or live their lives in self-imposed dating exile. But rejoice with me! (and sign up at Lutherans Only). Now you can search worldwide for the perfect Lutheran spouse who shares the most important commonality: your beliefs on predestination and universal justification.”
New members are prompted to fill out a small 750 item questionnaire, the vast majority of which delves into doctrinal hair splitting. Questions about worship styles, Bible history, and doctrinal specifics aim to match you with a perfectly compatible Lutheran. Interestingly, selecting ‘contemporary music’ under the preferred worship style section appears to trigger an automatic Lutherans Only lifetime ban.
So if you’re single, what are you waiting for? Sign up today!Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!