Washington, DC – A classified memo released Friday reveals a secret government plan designed to pay off America’s ballooning national debt by using Lutheran savings accounts to pay the balance!
Outlining the Lutheran American Money Bailout (LAMB) program, the explosive memo details the fact that American Lutherans, through lifetimes of wise choices and frugal living, have more than enough money in their collective bank accounts to pay the $19.19 trillion debt held by the federal government.
The immediate question is: “Will the federal government be emptying Lutheran savings accounts by force?” Should I withdraw all my money from banks and convert it into gold bars, precious diamonds, or for the truly reckless, bitcoin?
“I would caution Lutherans against taking drastic action such as removing all their money from financial institutions,” commented Lutheran financial counselor Adrian Johnson. “The memo reveals a three pronged strategy to obtain Lutheran savings: request, manipulation, and procurement. It would appear through the government’s lack of action that this plan has not yet been set in motion.”
Details regarding the specific strategies are sketchy, but according to government sources, if LAMB is activated, the government will use escalating actions to try and obtain Lutheran savings. First, they will ask nicely. If that fails, secret government agents have been given instruction to use a Lutheran’s finely tuned conscience and sense of guilt as a motivational tool. Finally, as a case of last resort, the government will seize Lutheran savings in a way similar to that of eminent domain.
Each Lutheran has choices to make regarding their hard earned savings. For this author, the choice is clear: immediately convert all cash savings into collectible Lego sets, “Forever” postal stamps, and 1966 Ford Mustang Shelby GT 350s.Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!