New Report: Hotel Stays Dangerous to Spiritual Health

New Report: Hotel Stays Dangerous to Spiritual Health

It’s common knowledge and established fact among True Lutherans that use of a snowblower is a sure indicator of spiritual apathy and potential loss of salvation, but what do your vacation plans reveal about your faith? A new report from the National Lutheran Council released this past week revealed the truth: your hotel stay may cause you to fall from the faith.

The exhaustive study, completed over 12 years, makes clear and distinctive conclusions. First, camping is the spiritually purest form of lodging (and by camping, we are referring to camping in a tent without electricity or running water, of course). Second, 72% of Lutherans who choose to stay in a hotel when viable camping options exist fall away from the faith in two years or less. Third, Lutheran families who camp in full service campgrounds featuring things like swimming pools, WIFI, and arcades end up with children who fall away from the faith. Finally, able-bodied Lutherans who use campers (including pop-ups) are no better than unbelievers.

So what’s the big deal about camping, anyway? Why is sleeping in a tent while covered in sweat, bug spray, and sunscreen so important to your faith? For the answer, we must turn to the Bible.

“Scripture is full of positive and glowing references to camping,” said Pastor Daniel Roberts. “What do you think Moses was doing on top of Mount Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights? Staying in a hotel? Of course not, he was camping! And when Jacob had the vision of a stairway to heaven? Was he staying at the Hebrew Motel 6? No! He was sleeping on the ground with a stone for a pillow. It’s a proven fact that camping brings you closer to God. The lack of amenities and distractions paves the way for spiritual enlightenment and enrichment. Without the Internet and TV, you pull out your Bible! Waking up at 4:30 AM to the sun illuminating your tent makes you appreciate your Creator! And swatting at the 10,000 mosquitoes trying to suck your blood dry is a constant remainder of your sin.”

“I challenge you to find one instance in which any form of lodging other than camping is spoken of positively in Scripture,” continued Pastor Roberts. “Abraham stayed at a hotel in Egypt. The next thing you know Pharaoh’s trying to steal his wife and Abraham is making up lies about her being his sister! Jonah went on a cruise…we all know what happened after that! God sent a giant storm and Jonah spent three days and nights in a fish before being spit up on land. And last, but not least, look at the story of our Savior’s birth! The Son of God preferred to be born in a stable with farm animals rather than endure the temptations of the Inn.”

So cancel those hotel reservations! Dust off that old tent at home. Save your family and ensure their salvation by sleeping out under the stars. And if you’ve reached the highest level of Lutheran enlightenment, secure your vehicle’s air conditioning on the drive to the campground.

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