Hutchinson, KS – Cutting edge research released from the Lutheran Music Institute this past week confirmed what many Lutherans have long suspected: contemporary music poses not only a spiritual danger but can lead to permanent brain damage as well.
Shocking new data revealed the clear and present danger that any music incorporating guitars, drums, and amplifiers has on the fragile brains of young children.
“Imagine cracking an egg into a hot skillet,” said lead researcher Charles Martin. “That’s exactly what happens when you expose your son or daughter to contemporary music. It literally sizzles away their brain cells! It’s not unheard of to lose years of brain development through chronic exposure to the mindlessly repetitive lyrics and stunted artistry of contemporary music.”
The exhaustive study, which followed more than 30,000 young Lutherans in both contemporary and traditional congregations, drew startling conclusions. Lutheran teenagers repeatedly exposed to contemporary music were prone to memory lapses, diminished reasoning, and loss of fine motor skills. Acute exposure was found to be particularly deadly. Lutherans raised on traditional hymnary who found themselves suddenly exposed to contemporary music concerts were profoundly affected, with devastating results.
“I’d never even heard of an electric guitar until I went away to college,” said helpless contemporary music victim Amber Jacobson from her hospital bed. “My roommate convinced me to go to a ‘contemporary music’ concert. As soon as the band started playing my head pounded with pain. I started hyperventilating! My right eardrum ruptured! I collapsed halfway through the first song. I woke up in the hospital a week later. The doctors say I’m going to have to redo high school!”
What’s next for Amber? Years of pipe organ hypnotherapy may restore some brain function, but the damage has been done.
In related news, the Lutheran Music Institute has announced a contemporary instrument buy back program.
“We’ll pay anything to get these instruments off the street.” said spokesman James Miller. “Bring by those electric guitars, steel drums, and finger cymbals. And for a limited time, you can crush them yourself!”Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!