Mosquitoes Invade Outdoor Service

Mosquitoes Invade Outdoor Service

Olney, IL – Scores were injured this past week when hordes of bloodthirsty mosquitoes descended on Olney Lutheran Church’s annual outdoor service.

The swarm of savage insects, estimated at 20 million strong, caused complete pandemonium in their ruthless attack. Separating into multiple formations, they attacked the outdoor service simultaneously from four separate directions, effectively cutting off all escape routes.

As congregants huddles in helpless terror, heroes began to emerge. Elder Harold Robinson gathered hymnals and bulletins. Using a cigarette lighter, he created a smokescreen which broke up the mosquito horde and allowed the first members to escape.

Congregants gathered close to Delores Jacobson, whose powerful perfume proved so repulsive to the mosquitoes that they gave her a ten foot wide berth. Disregarding her own safety, she made twelve trips into the swarm, escorting helpless members to safety.



A fortunate accident ensured everyone’s survival. In the midst of the pandemonium, the crew manning the sound controls inadvertently started playing “Chain Breaker” by contemporary Christian artist Zach Williams. The high concentration of contemporary music killed the majority of the mosquito horde while effectively driving off the rest.

“We are thankful that catastrophe was averted,” said Church President James Hamilton. “And I’m overjoyed that we have finally found a good use for contemporary music!”

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