Mass Chaos Erupts During Children’s Sermon

Mass Chaos Erupts During Children's Sermon

Willmar, MN – For the third week in a row, the children’s sermon degenerated into a surging mass of screaming insanity this Sunday.

Everything proceeded according to plan until the children came forward and sat down. The crowd of fidgeting toddlers and early elementary schoolers were barely held in place while Pastor Morton began a simple object lesson. By the time he expounded to his main point about forgiving others, complete chaos erupted.

Habitual troublemaker and chief instigator Danny Meyer led the way. Pastor Morton gave an uncomfortable laugh as three-year-old Danny tugged at the ornate silver crucifix hanging around his neck. He attempted a half-hearted joke as the ill-behaved toddler managed to pull the sacred symbol over his head.

With that, all semblance of control was lost. The children, sensing no reasonable authority figure to contain them, went completely wild. The communion rail became a climbing gym. The altar area was converted into a racetrack. Even the pulpit, most revered feature of the sanctuary, was desecrated.

“I have never seen such blatant disrespect for authority,” bemoaned member Erma Johnston. “In my day, children would never exhibit such misbehavior. Thank goodness (usher) Bob Haynes was able to protect the communion-ware.”

Parents and ushers threw themselves bodily into the fray as Pastor Morton scampered to safety. Limbs flew wildly and loud shrieks emanated through the sanctuary as the crowd of youngsters was brought under control.

An examination of next week’s bulletin revealed a children’s sermon scheduled, but with clarification: any child wanting to attend must be accompanied by two adults, sit on their hands for the entirety of the lesson, and Pastor Morton will conduct the children’s sermon by secure video link from the sacristy.

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