Granite Falls, MN – Lutherans everywhere are shaking their heads in a mixture of pity and amusement as the majority of Americans scramble to get their last-minute Christmas shopping done on time.
“I finished all my Christmas shopping in March,” said Eleanor Davis. “I made a list, watched the sales, and now I don’t have to run around like a chicken with its head cut off!”
As harried procrastinators spend their last remaining days before Christmas battling crowds, standing in endless checkout lines, and purchasing increasingly random and desperate gifts that will be be thrown away by New Year’s, true Lutherans across America are relaxing with family and friends, taking pleasure while shovelling 16” of freshly fallen snow, and most importantly, finalizing their Christmas 2018 shopping lists in time for post-Christmas sales.
“Most Lutherans have abilities that are unattainable superpowers to most Americans,” said National Retail Association spokeperson Audrey Hamilton. “They can budget effectively and plan ahead. Thank goodness no one else has figured that out, otherwise I wouldn’t have a job!”
So fellow Lutherans, have a Merry Christmas! Enjoy your time with family and friends. Treasure your Christmas worship opportunities. And most importantly, keep the thermostat set low no matter how much your guests complain…that’s what extra blankets are for!Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!