Lutherans Completely Prepared and Unworried By Impending Snowstorm

Lutherans Completely Prepared and Unworried By Impending Snowstorm

Wausau, WI – As millions of Americans dither and fret over Winter Storm Xanto’s march across the Central Plains and Upper Midwest, affected Lutherans are greeting this April snowstorm with a collective yawn and sense of indifference.

“Who even names snowstorms!?!” exclaimed Richard Wilson. “Is a hurricane sweeping across Wisconsin? It’s a little snow and wind. Big deal! Top off your car with gas, make some coffee, look out the window, and shovel the snow as it comes down. What is this world coming to?”

“When I was young we had snowstorms into late June. Why is everyone losing their minds?” asked George Coleman while shaking his head in complete and utter disdain. “I remember walking to the last day of school in 18 inches of snow! Guess what, we didn’t cancel the school day or name the silly thing. And if you’re going to name the storm, why not call it something everyone can pronounce. Really, Xanto? What ever happened to names like Karl and Susan?”

True Lutherans everywhere will not be adversely affected by this late-spring snowstorm. Exercising responsible preparedness, all Lutherans in the storm’s path have already stocked up on necessary food and other supplies. Their well-maintained shovels stand ready to remove the snow, and a lifetime of hard work and constant exercise has dramatically reduced the risk of injury often suffered by the majority of the population.

Now Lutherans, beware of the most dangerous activity: driving to church! We all know that true Lutherans everywhere operate their motor vehicles with all due care and cautiousness in the snow and ice, but does the crazy 16 year boy down the street do the same? Of course not! So watch yourselves while driving around town.

Other than that, enjoy the fresh falling snow and the distinct pleasure that comes from a freshly shovelled sidewalk. Turn those Christmas lights back on to brighten up the neighborhood. Enjoy a hot cup of coffee. And whatever you do, don’t even think for a second about buying that infernal contraption that weakens the body, dulls the mind, and poisons the soul.

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