Columbus, NE – After deeming it a public health menace and danger to people of all ages, authorities shut down ‘Luther’s House of Horrors,’ a local Lutheran haunted house, on Friday.
The terrifying attraction had been linked to no less than 42 hospitalizations since opening in early October.
“It was horrible!” said local sheriff Jacob Madison. “We had to park an ambulance next to the exit every night. People were constantly coming out screaming about double predestination and works righteousness. And who is this Johann Tetzel guy, anyway? He gave five people heart attacks!”
Terrified Lutherans shrieked in shock and horror as they passed through rooms depicting non-liturgical worship and contemporary music, but local authorities say the haunted house went one step too far with its latest attraction: ‘Wanton Waste’.
The chilling room, whose contents dominate every Lutherans’ worst nightmare, contained several ghastly scenes. Participants entered and were immediately assailed by strobe lights and the most terrifying contemporary music ever devised by mankind. A series of shocking exhibits depicted perfectly edible food being thrown away, a thermostat being turned up to 75 degrees Fahrenheit, and an able bodied man using a leafblower in lieu of a metal rake.
The haunted house may be closed, but the damage is done. Twelve victims are in medically induced comas after viewing ‘Wanton Waste’, and more than twenty heart attacks have been attributed to the leafblower exhibit alone.
“Finally!” said haunted house victim Clarence Hamilton from his hospital bed. “How many more of us had to be hurt before they shut the thing down?”
Don’t worry, if you still want a fright this Halloween season, check out luthershouseofhorrors.com. You may still be able to catch the petrifying video of full immersion baptism before it gets shut down!Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!