Lutheran Hackers Wage War Online

Lutheran Hackers Wage War Online

Sioux City, SD – To the casual observer, Zion Lutheran Church draws no special attention. A red brick facade, colorful stained glass windows, slender bell tower, and prominently displayed ornate metal cross announce it as a place of worship. A trip to the church basement, however, reveals a strange and foreign world to most Lutherans.

Beyond the slightly dated speckled linoleum floors of the fellowship hall and kitchen, a secret world awaits. A biometric scanner permits access through a formidable metal door. Walking across the threshold, one passes from into a new realm, one where Christians wage war each day against the forces of the Devil, the World, and our Sinful Nature.

Computer terminals and workstations line the walls. In one corner server racks hum with ceaseless intensity. Lines of code stream across large monitors mounted from the ceiling. Pastors, computer technicians, and managers stream about in a constant rush. Welcome to the headquarters of the Lutheran Cyber Warfare Center.

“You are standing on the frontline of spiritual war,” says Cyber-Attack Coordinator Reverend Micah Bennett. “Scripture speaks of putting on the full armor of God to take your stand against the Devil’s Schemes. There are no swords, shields, or arrows here. Instead, we wage war using the keyboard, mouse, and high-speed data connection.”

The mission of the Lutheran Cyber Warriors is simple: disrupt and destroy any web-based tool of Satan.

“On any given day we conduct denial of service attacks on pornographic websites, implement spear phishing strikes to take down human trafficking portals, and plant malware to disrupt church bodies that spew false doctrine,” added Reverend Bennett.

But is this overt attack on sinful websites a God-pleasing use of technology? Reverend Bennett was quick to offer a response.



“Scripture is full of references to faithful believers combatting the forces of evil. Joshua, David, and Samson battled heretics and unbelievers. Jesus cleared the temple courts of the moneylenders and and merchants seeking to take advantage of the faithful. What we do here is no different.”

If you peddle sinful wares or seek to lead the faithful astray: beware. The Lutheran Cyber Warriors are coming after you next.

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