Chamberlain, SD – Stock prices in discount grocery stores and major big-box retailers were in literal free fall Friday afternoon following the announcement that a new chain of Lutheran grocery stores will soon be opening across America.
The new company, aptly and succinctly titled “The Lutheran Grocery Store,” will be opening hundreds of stores nationwide.
“If you thought ALDI was cheap, get ready!” announced Lutheran Grocery Stores Association spokesman Gerald Anderson. “The Lutheran Grocery Store intends to slash prices well below 75% of current price averages.”
These radical cost savings will be achieved through a variety of unique Lutheran measures. Forget about sugary cereals, any name-brand items, or exotic produce. What self-respecting Lutheran would try a papaya anyway? And alternative dairy products? The mere act of asking for almond milk or vegan cheese will be grounds for immediate store dismissal. Instead, The Lutheran Grocery Store will carry common sense Lutheran foods such as potatoes, carrots, onions, and cheese. There will be one brand of discount coffee carried in mass quantities. The frozen foods section will consist solely of tater tots, frozen vegetables, and vanilla ice cream.
The Lutheran Grocery Store will practice aggressive Lutheran frugality techniques. Store heat will be secured until the interior temperature drops to 46 degrees, and a system of fans and open windows will keep stores cool until summer temperatures exceed 90 degrees.
All stores will be built using local volunteer Lutheran labor, and a system of church volunteers will conduct 90% of checkout and administrative responsibilities, effectively reducing overhead costs to almost nothing. All customers will be responsible for bagging their own groceries. Besides the obvious cost savings advantage, all faithful Lutherans knows that having someone else bag your groceries paves the way for a life of laziness, spiritual apathy, and loss of salvation. Besides, those grocery store baggers crush the bananas every time anyway.
“All stores will be open to both Lutheran and non-Lutheran alike,” said The Lutheran Grocery Store President Pastor Karl Martin. “Faithful Lutheran will be delighted with our doctrinal discount program. Each cashier will ask a series of three questions pulled from the Book of Concord and Luther’s Small Catechism. Correct answers are rewarded with a discount of 5%!”
So fasten your seat belts and get ready for the most exciting thing to hit the Lutheran food world since 101 Uses for Tater Tots! And just wait, we’ve been told the jello selection will be incredible!Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!