Des Moines, IA – In recent days, altos have been painted with broad brush strokes as dull and uninteresting, a viewpoint bolstered as record numbers of altos opt for radical vocal cord surgery in order chase dreams of soprano glory.
Yesterday, an unprecedented and provocative anonymous op-ed posted in the Lutheran Choral Times offered a different perspective – that altos are, in fact, the only thing stopping crazy sopranos and power-hungry choir directors from running choirs right off the balcony.
In “I am the Resistance Inside the Choir,” the anonymous alto author revealed choir secrets that threaten to upend the balance of power as we know it.
“I am the Resistance,” the author states. “Without me and my fellow altos, this choir would go off the rails in a week. Who runs the choir? The director? The sopranos? Hahahahaha! Think again, my friend. If our director had free reign to pick the music, she’d listen to those dimwitted sopranos and half the songs would have steel drum accompaniment…the congregation would be in an uproar. What our director doesn’t realize is that an army of diligent altos is working tirelessly from within to frustrate parts of her agenda and thwart her worst inclinations. Who do you think intercepts the mail and shreds every contemporary choral arrangement? Certainly not the sopranos – they’re too busy fixing their hair and makeup.
We altos are the gatekeepers of our sacred Lutheran musical tradition – a lodestar in whose absence Lutherans would lose much of their unique identity. We’ve been painted as unnecessary and outdated, but in reality we’re the fabric holding the choir together.”
“Finally, to all the men out there – can’t you see beyond looks and a high pitched voice? Sopranos can’t cook – ours can’t even figure out a toaster. And forget about a clean house – your soprano trophy wife won’t crawl on her hands and knees to clean out the crevices in the bathroom…it might damage her precious cuticles. Don’t even get me started on raising a family! An alto wife will raise up your child in the way of the LORD – you’ll be lucky if your soprano wife ever turns off the TV. Start using your brain to find a wife and marry an alto!”
“Despite our differences, we’re all the same choir. Just remember who really runs the show.”Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!