Hardy Lutherans Unaffected by Recent Cold Temperatures

Hardy Lutherans Unaffected by Recent Cold Temperatures

As the nation collectively whimpers and complains over the recent subzero temperatures gripping the Upper Midwest, Lutherans everywhere are asking, “What cold?”

The sight of Lutherans continuing their everyday routines despite the frigid weather has elicited an unparalleled amount of incredulous comments, probing questions, and unwanted attention. Ordinary Lutherans have been suddenly thrust into an uncomfortable spotlight, forced to explain over and over again how they are still able to drive to the grocery store, attend church, and meticulously clear every speck of snow from their sidewalks and driveways despite temperatures cold enough to freeze their feet to the ground if they stand in one spot too long.

“Just put on warmer clothes and move a little faster!” said Marie Jensen with exasperation when asked for the tenth time how it was even physically possible for her to continue her daily walk as the temperatures dipped to -8 degrees Fahrenheit.

“Ummmm, make sure you have a good battery and start your car a few minutes earlier to let it properly warm up,” said Donald Malone while shaking his head with annoyance and, in a completely uncharacteristic Lutheran gesture, rolling his eyes, as yet ANOTHER person asked him how he could even think of irresponsibly venturing out in his car to visit the bakery for coffee and a donut each morning.

So encourage your neighbors, fellow Lutherans. Share the secret of how to actually put on and wear stocking caps, mittens, and scarves as well as the unique wisdom that comes from a lifetime of self-sacrifice and strict thermostat regulation. Teach by example how to not only survive but thrive when the temperatures dip well below zero. And most importantly, never let the snow, cold, and wintry blast get in the way of the most important pursuit of all: buying Christmas decorations marked 75% off!

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