Rocky Ridge, OH – As snow blankets much of the country, shocking new research released this past week revealed what many Lutheran have long suspected: that snowblower usage is a clear and present danger to eternal salvation.
“The data is clear,” said Pastor James Thompson. “Lutherans who operate snowblowers are ten times as likely to lose eternal glory. Not since the invention of the padded pew has one single item threatened the salvation of so many Lutherans.”
The survey, which studied the snow removal habits of twelve thousand Lutherans, drew startling conclusions. Seemingly innocent snowblower usage was found to be a ‘gateway drug’ to a host of spiritual abominations. In as little as five years, snowblower addicts were subscribing to expanded cable TV options, investing in air conditioners, and purchasing vehicles manufactured after the year 2000.
“It was so harmless in the beginning,” said recovering snowblower addict Harold Johnson from his hospital bed. “Shoveling my driveway used to take an hour with a shovel. The snowblower cut that down to ten minutes! But then my life started spiraling out of control. I began watching cable TV. We turned the thermostat up to 71. Everything fell apart when my wife came home and found me listening to contemporary music. We threw the snowblower and cable box into the ravine out back. She saved my life!”
Own a snowblower? It’s not too late. Bury it in the backyard. Toss it in the nearest landfill. Better yet, feed those contemporary music CDs through the blades before you throw it out!Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!