Family Hospitalized After Sitting in Front Pew

Family Hospitalized After Sitting in Front Pew

Pine Bend, MN – Six members of the Jackson family are still hospitalized in critical condition after sitting in the front row this past Sunday.

Witnesses confirmed the unthinkable. Ignoring plentiful spots near the middle and rear of the sanctuary, Irv Jackson led his wife and six children all the way up the aisle, like lambs to the slaughter, before sitting in the front pew.

“What were they thinking?” lamented longtime member Dean Fleming. “I sat in the front pew one time – Fifth Sunday after Pentecost, 1987. It took ten years of therapy to stop the nightmares!”


The Jacksons lasted twenty minutes before the strain became unbearable. Sweating and shaking uncontrollably, Mrs. Jackson screamed in terror as Pastor Martin read the Epistle lesson, undoubtedly experiencing vivid parallel hallucinations of the reading of Acts Chapter 5.

Shortly afterwards, even stoic Irv Jackson succumbed to the strain, collapsing to the floor in convulsions in the midst of the liturgical response to the Gospel reading.

Leaping into action, heroic congregation members dragged the Jacksons to safety in the middle of the sanctuary. Soothing organ music and sips of coffee helped helped bring the family back from the brink before paramedics took them away.

The response has been swift and decisive. Lead Usher Harold Peterson has been placed on leave pending a full and impartial investigation. The first three pews have been plastered with warning signs and sealed with reflective tape.

“We thought about ripping out the front pews,” said Pastor Jacob Williams. “But then the next row would be exposed to the danger! Best to just keep the front pews in place as a buffer. Next week we’ll put new signs on them: “Visitors Only.”

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3 Comments on “Family Hospitalized After Sitting in Front Pew”

  1. Fits the Isaiah 6:1-13 text for 5th Sunday in Epiphany. Hilarious and kind of the way my sermon will go tomorrow.

  2. I always sit in the front row – chapel at 8 AM on Sunday. That way, if the priest decides that we will sing a hymn, he’s the only one to suffer.

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