Entire Congregation Incapacitated by Decaf Coffee

Entire Congregation Incapacitated by Decaf Coffee

Ottawa, IL – In a tragic error this past Sunday, greeter Elaine Roberts inadvertently brewed decaf coffee before Bible Class.

Police officers and firefighters raced with sirens wailing to the church as hundreds of congregants lay seemingly comatose inside the sanctuary. Those less affected by the lack of caffeine crawled weakly along the ground, moaning for assistance.

“Sunday started just like any other morning,” said helpless victim Charles Jackson from his hospital bed. “I remember filling up my coffee before Bible Class, but within minutes I knew something was dreadfully wrong. My head pounded! I felt faint and weak! Pastor had barely opened the book of Galatians before I fell unconscious. I woke up here hooked up to a caffeine IV. Has anyone seen my wife? She passed out just before I did.”



The sheer number of sudden casualties prompted panicked and frantic responses from the highest levels of government. By the time decaf coffee was identified as the culprit, no less than 1,000 first responders had converged on the church and the entire city of Ottawa had been forcibly evacuated a distance of 20 miles.

Troubling questions are already surfacing. How could Elaine have made such a tragic mistake? Why was decaf coffee not kept under strict lock and key, accessible only to authorized personnel? Why was the two person rule not followed for ensuring quality coffee was being served to the congregation?

Elaine has already been excommunicated, of course. But this initial action only scratches the surface of the problem. Outlaw decaf coffee altogether! If you can’t handle the caffeine, just dilute it with water…or find another church to attend.

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