Dying to Sing Soprano? Forgotten Altos Resort to Dangerous New Surgery

Chicago, IL – It’s a fact: sopranos get all the love. What red-blooded Lutheran man doesn’t feel his heart quicken and thoughts turn from pious meditation to unholy passion as an irresistibly devout soprano’s voice soars through “I Know That My Redeemer Liveth?” Conversely, what alto hasn’t felt the hot, burning shame of neglect that comes from living in the shadow of their soprano counterparts, sentenced to a life of spinsterhood and endless repetition of the same three notes in every song?

In response, a dangerous new trend is sweeping the country: elective vocal cord surgery. In an action once thought impossible, impractical, and plain immoral, Lutheran altos everywhere are radically modifying their vocal cords in order to achieve their dream of soprano glory.

“Christmas concerts were the worst,” confessed former alto now turned soprano Abigail Jacobson. “So what if I only sang middle C over and over again during Silent Night? Can’t a man see past that? When my fiance left me for the lead soprano on Christmas Eve, I’d had enough. It was time to take the leap. I had the surgery last year. I’ve already had three marriage proposals! Being a soprano is awesome!”

But at what cost does this transformation take place? Church choirs across America are facing dwindling numbers of altos in the wake of unprecedented surgical procedures. Botched surgeries have left women unable to sing in tune, or worse, inadvertently lowered their vocal range to that of a bass. And worst of all, Lutheran women, once content with their imperfections, are beginning to proceed past vocal cord surgery into the once forbidden land of facelifts, tummy-tucks, and liposuction.

“This is a crisis without equal, which left unchecked, threatens to derail every Lutheran ideal held firm for generations,” said Pastor Charles Dalton. “I plead with Lutheran men everywhere, give an alto a chance! I married one. Sure, all the sopranos were taken, but it’s worked out pretty well. She’s only super boring half the time. And altos sing more than three notes. My wife can sing five!”

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