Dozens Hospitalized in Pew Related Tragedy

Dozens Hospitalized in Pew Related Tragedy

Valentine, NE – Dozens remain hospitalized after a lone visitor set off a domino effect of pew related casualties this morning.

After arriving at church shortly before 9 AM, the visitor proceeded to sit on the right side, sixth pew from the front. The ensuing chain reaction: catastrophic.

“I tried to stop her!” sobbed distraught usher Harold Jacobson. “How could she not know that’s the Albrechts’ pew? They’ve sat there for 30 years!”

Seeing her usual spot taken, Mrs. Albrecht gasped in terror and fell to her knees in utter despair. Looking around in sheer desperation, she crawled slowly to the seat immediately behind her traditional pew, forgetting in her anguish that she was encroaching on Eileen Mueller’s sacred territory.

Eileen made it three steps into the sanctuary before collapsing in fits of anguish on the floor.

The situation deteriorated rapidly. By 9:15, ambulances filled the parking lot and the sound of sirens filled the air.

At least the perpetrator was brought to justice. Local police promptly arrested the visitor. The charge: “Disturbing the Peace.”

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