Undisclosed Location, SD – A stone’s throw from the Lutheran Jello Doomsday Repository, a massive underground complex is ready for every Lutheran’s worst nightmare: Black Friday weekend.
“We’re standing by and ready for any Lutheran looking to take shelter from the unbridled frenzy of commercialism,” said Director of Security Pastor James Hamilton. “Lutherans passing the necessary doctrine and culture screening process will find safety and security from the hysteria of American Black Friday shoppers.”
Beginning in late afternoon on Thanksgiving, a veritable parade of late-model Buicks will descend upon the secure facility. A 400 question doctrinal assessment and Lutheran culture test will identify imposters by causing them to choose, among other things, between either operating air conditioning or a system of fans on a hot summer day. After passing the requisite tests and presenting a notarized baptismal certificate, True Lutherans will be granted admission to the facility.
Four foot thick blast doors and a secure elevator ride down to bedrock will separate Lutherans from the savage hordes of Black Friday shoppers during the days following Thanksgiving.
“You’d think we were safe here in the middle of nowhere, but last year a crowd of shoppers mistook our security entrance for a Walmart! We were forced to blast contemporary music to drive the crowds away,” said Pastor Hamilton. “No one deserves exposure to such brutality, but by that point, it was either us or them.”
Deep underground, the delightful scents of potluck dinners and the sound of tasteful, traditional Lutheran hymnary will contrast the scenes of anarchy and bedlam aboveground. A total media blackout will protect Lutherans from the scenes of terror reigning at every shopping center in America.
So if you’re afraid of getting mauled this Black Friday, come to South Dakota! Just be sure to bring a sweater…the bunker is only heated to 63 degrees.Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!