Danger Ahead! New Study Sheds Light on Harmful Wedding Practices

New Study Sheds Light on Harmful Wedding Practices

Wichita, KS – Adding to the exponentially growing body of evidence regarding the insidious nature of contemporary music, a groundbreaking study released today confirmed what many Lutherans have long suspected: that marriages based on contemporary music are overwhelmingly doomed to failure.

The exhaustive study, conducted over 20 years, tracked the divorce rates of couples married under traditional and contemporary services.

“We expected divergent results based on a variety of factors, but the data points shocked even the most hardened staticians among us,” said Survey Director Pastor James Johnson. “Our research proved that the single biggest indicator of marital failure is not religion, money, or in-laws, but rather your worship preference.”

Among the surveyed couples, those who were married in services using non-traditional elements such as guitars, pastors not wearing proper vestments, and cupcakes in lieu of a proper wedding cake were 40 times more likely to have their marriage end in divorce. In addition, anyone married in a service which utilized an electric guitar found their marriage condemned to certain destruction within 72 hours.

What’s the key to a successful marriage? Besides the obvious (a pipe organ, actual hymnary, and at least two varieties of casserole at the reception), there was one ‘X’ factor which guaranteed a successful marriage: a lack of air conditioning during the church service.

“True Lutherans are not trapped by the vanity of this world,” said Pastor Johnson. “There is a direct correlation between the traditional Lutheran values of frugality, simplicity, and long-suffering and the execution of a successful marriage. It was 95 degrees in the church the day my wife and I were married. Nearly passing out from heat stroke during the 45 minute sermon on the sinful depravity of husbands and wives instilled in me the foundation of commitment and self-sacrifice which has seen my marriage through three moves, four children, and sixteen different used cars.”

So there you have it! Encourage your friends and neighbors to make the right wedding choices. And for those of you who had a donut bar instead of a cake or Chris Tomlin music played on a piano, it’s not too late. Call your Pastor and schedule a properly conducted marriage affirmation service…just make sure to have at least two varieties of jello available at the reception.

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One Comment on “Danger Ahead! New Study Sheds Light on Harmful Wedding Practices”

  1. we had a pastors wife who would not let anyone bring cupcakes to an event. Her comment was no cupcakes they are so messy you know.

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