Marquette, MI – In a last ditch effort to stem unauthorized communion attempts, Holy Word Lutheran has implemented a new strategy to vet communicants: secret handshake authorization.
“Even the ushers can’t hold them back!” said Pastor Norman Roberts. “I had to stop three people at the communion rail last Sunday.”
Under orders to take any and all action to bring order to the chaos, the Board of Elders devised a unique solution. Each member intending to take communion must flawlessly memorize and execute an intricate 24 step secret handshake before partaking in the Lord’s Supper. Also, any visitor intending to commune with the congregation must first speak with Pastor Roberts, sign a confession of faith, and present a notarized document affirming Lutheran church membership.
As an additional security measure, any communion participants may be pulled aside for additional doctrinal screening before taking the Lord’s Supper.
“Last week I forgot the end of the handshake and had to answer six questions about eschatology and predestination,” said Delores Johnson. “Good thing I paid attention in Catechism class!”
The new procedures have worked, but at a price. Communion services now last more than two hours due to the elaborate security procedures. Another question: what if the secret handshake is compromised?
“The secret handshake is only a temporary measure,” said Elder Josiah Sullivan. “Our long-term plan is biometric technology. Let’s see people try to sneak past our facial recognition scanner!”Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!