Hays, KS – Nearly two thousand years after the completion of the Holy Scriptures, an 11th Commandment has been revealed to all Mankind in a most spectacular fashion.
Residents of Hays, Kansas reported seeing what appeared to be a comet streak across the sky in a blinding flash of light before crashing to earth northwest of town. An accompanying sonic boom shattered windows and destroyed rooftops across the city.
Inside a crater more than sixty feet deep and wider than a city block, local residents discovered an intricately carved stone tablet composed of a mineral unidentifiable by geologists.
The inscription was brief and its meaning unmistakable. In a large, flowing script the following words were written: “Thou shalt not travel more than five miles per hour over the posted speed limit.”
Reaction to the proclamation has been uniform. Lutheran pastors everywhere report congregants suddenly overcome with emotion, shedding uncharacteristic tears of relief and happiness as a lifetime of repressed guilt is released.
“A great weight has been lifted from my shoulders,” sobbed Delores Stewart, a frail, wispy woman in her late eighties. “For most of my life I’ve driven three miles per hour over the speed limit. The guilt and shame have gotten so bad I haven’t been able to sleep at night. But how could I drive the speed limit? Everyone else is going faster! For the first time in over fifty years, my heart is now at peace.”
“For years I’ve been unable to offer true comfort to members on their deathbeds regarding their habitual speeding,” admitted Pastor Warren Simpson, a local Lutheran minister. “Each person felt unimaginable guilt, but at the same time expressed no true remorse. Extending God’s unconditional grace and Gospel promises to individuals is difficult to do when they preface every speeding confession with ‘but everyone else does it.’ Now I can finally offer them true comfort and assurance in their final hours.”
Calls to local, state, and federal authorities regarding any changes to the posted speed limits have gone unanswered, as government officials are wrestling with what action to take in light of this Divine instruction. Local atheists, on the other hand, confirmed their intention to drive a minimum of six miles per hour over the speed limit, regardless of any posted change.Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!