Wheeling, IN – In a controversial move borne of sheer desperation, members of the Board of Elders at Divine Grace Lutheran Church have introduced a motion to impose a temporary ban on all contemporary music.
“This new music is dangerous to religious sanctity, common decency, and Lutheran sensibilities,” said Elder Thomas Gilbert. “Just last month four people were hospitalized after being subjected to a contemporary version of the Song of Simeon! As Elders, we must take any and all action to protect our members.”
The temporary ban, which calls for a 999 year moratorium on any contemporary music, is scheduled to be introduced at the next quarterly voters meeting. Definitions of banned instruments and / or music include “any instrument requiring an amplifier, any song not previously sung by 75% of the congregation, any stringed instrument which hangs about the neck and is currently prevalent in popular culture, and any music in which the same phrase or refrain is uttered more than 12 times.”
Church worship planners will be put on notice. The penalty for violations of the statute are severe. First offense: you must sit in the front pew for two months. Second offense: banned from the quarterly church potluck. Third offense: excommunication.
What do church members think of the proposed policy? Reaction has been mixed. Proponents of the measure laud the “need to finally do something about this contemporary madness” and that “I could never even figure out how to sing those songs anyway.” Opponents, however, decry the “close minded arguments of the legislation” and the “utter insanity of having a temporary ban lasting 999 years.”
In related news, local police announced they will be staging four police officers outside the church on the day of the vote.