Church Faces Imminent Closure After Jacobson Family Departs

Church Faces Imminent Closure After Jacobson Family Departs

Templeton, IA – Immanuel Lutheran Church faces complete and irreversible closure after the Jacobson family moved away last week.

“Frankly, it’s easier to just cut our losses and run,” said newly elected Church President Adam Graham. “Sunday was sheer anarchy! No donuts, no bulletins, and no organist!”

Members were shocked to discover dirty carpeting, knee-high grass, and a collection of past due bills nailed to the sanctuary door upon arrival for church on Sunday.

“It took me twenty minutes just to figure out how to turn the lights on,” complained usher Thomas Wilson. “And don’t even get me started on getting into church. My boy Jimmy had to crawl in through the basement window and open the door from the inside. Who knew the church was locked on the weekend?”

After initial attempts failed spectacularly, church leadership has given up on fulfilling the Jacobson family’s responsibilities.

“We thought we had everything covered, but then the electric bill went to collections and the coffee ran out – I don’t know which was worse!” said Pastor James Shepherd. “I’d rather be unemployed than have to deal with all this drama. Everyone can just drive to Omaha if they want church next Sunday.”

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