Church Choir Collusion? Sopranos Await Highly Anticipated Report

Choir Collusion? Lutherans Await Highly Anticipated Report

Scottsbluff, NE – Choir Director Eleanor Peterson and local sopranos are waiting with grim anticipation as word spread yesterday that the collusion investigation into the St. Mark’s Lutheran Church choir has been completed.

The charges are shocking. Was there collusion? Will there be excommunications? Can sopranos even collude?

Alto whistleblowers confirmed the allegations: Eleanor Peterson’s preferential treatment of sopranos bordered on obscene.

“Let’s be honest, sopranos get all the love,” said local alto Joanne Zimmerman. “Apparently the ability to sing above a high C makes you some sort of goddess. But separate dressing rooms and a makeup allowance? And exclusive access to premium bottled water? For goodness sakes, the choir budget has a separate line item for soprano perfume!”

Alto reports gained legitimacy this past Christmas.

“We sang four songs on Christmas Day and there were six soprano solos,” continued Joanne. “On top of that, “Joy to the World” didn’t even have an alto part!”

Prompted by the outrage, worship committee members launched an investigation.

“This was a fair and impartial investigation,” said committee member Lester Brown. “We even chose a tone-deaf investigator!”

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