Choir Shutdown Update: Emergency Declaration Imminent?

Choir Shutdown Update: Emergency Declaration Imminent?

Danville, IL – As the unprecedented St. Mark’s Lutheran Church choir shutdown enters its tenth day, Director Delores Patterson is said to be contemplating the unthinkable: declaring a choir emergency.

“Our Easter festival service is just over three months away,” said a distraught Delores in a videotaped message posted on the church website. “Last night the sopranos stormed out of negotiations. They’re now demanding massages because of all the ‘stress they’ve been under’ since the shutdown! The basses had to step in to keep the altos off them! Where does it end? If the choir can’t get its act together, I may have to use emergency powers to ensure our worship services continue as planned.”

If declared, a choir emergency would have far reaching implications. Under church bylaws, Delores could compel any communicant member to join the choir. Bypassing the worship committee altogether, Delores would be granted the unprecedented emergency power to independently select choir music. Delores would also be authorized up to 10% of the church budget to hire emergency Lutheran vocalists to sing in the choir for major festival services.

Sopranos are outraged at this latest development and took the unprecedented step to reach out directly to congregation members through video message.

“We are in the midst of a humanitarian crisis – a crisis of the heart and soul of our choir,” lead soprano Tiffany Jacobson implored in an emotionally charged ten minute video. “Regular manicures are an essential element of our vocal performance – how can we carry the whole choir if we’re distracted and worrying about cuticle damage? And the silk choir robes? Contrary to what the altos might tell you, these soft imported fabrics are not a mindless luxury, but rather an essential element to our singing. Do you know how difficult it is to incorporate a perfect vibrato when stifling in an itchy and shapeless choir gown? If this state of emergency is declared, I will not be compelled to sing against my wishes! And, Delores, if you dare hire outside sopranos, I’ll chain myself to the balcony doors. No one takes my place!”

In response, tenor Charles Keller tweeted one image: an ATB arrangement of “Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming.”

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2 Comments on “Choir Shutdown Update: Emergency Declaration Imminent?”

  1. I’m not a fellow Lutheran; I’m a Unitarian Universalist, but I am a church choir member–one of those Sopranos. A tenor, Duane Wilke, sent this site to our Unicantors choir (Rockford, Illinois). I enjoyed your story so much I forwarded it to my-sister in-law in New York City, a devout Lutheran, choir member, bell choir member, and president of her congregation.

    However, I enjoyed the location of this choir shut-down, Danville, Illinois, my home town. Unfortunately, I don’t remember this particular church–I’ve been gone for 50 years.

    Thank you for your humor in this frustrating time in our country.

  2. You’re welcome! You won’t recognize the church name from Danville – while the locations are real, I always make up the church names.

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