Danville, IL – Not even the power of the altos could prevent this disaster! Local choir director Delores Patterson confirmed on Tuesday that the St. Mark’s Lutheran Church choir is shut down until further notice.
What’s behind the unprecedented church choir shutdown? The ugly truth: unrealistic demands from sopranos doomed the ability for the choir to continue regular practices after the New Year.
“They wanted separate dressing rooms, imported silk choir robes, and a manicure allowance,” said disgusted alto Joanne Peterson. “I don’t even wear makeup to church, and they’re expecting us to use the choir budget to pay for their nails? Forget it. Who needs sopranos, anyway?”
Storming out of a contentious choir budget meeting on Tuesday, the sopranos vowed to boycott all future choir practices until their demands were met.
“This shutdown could last months or even years,” said soprano representative Tiffany Jacobson. “When are the altos, tenors, and basses going to meet with us and negotiate? We might even settle for just the silk robes and the manicures if we each get a solo in every song.”
Tenors are unconcerned. “If it goes another week, I’ll just volunteer to sing the soprano part in falsetto,” said lead tenor Charles Keller. “But first we’ll need a wall of ushers between me and the congregation. How else will we fight off all the women?”Want the latest news? Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!