Family Hospitalized After Sitting in Front Pew
Pine Bend, MN – Six members of the Jackson family are still hospitalized in critical condition after sitting in the front row this past Sunday. Witnesses confirmed the unthinkable. Ignoring …
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Desperate Family Burns Sunday School Crafts to Survive Polar Vortex
Big Falls, WI – Desperate times called for truly desperate measures. Near certain tragedy was averted this past Wednesday when the heat went out at the Miller’s house. “It got …
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Organist Hospitalized in Tragic Cold Weather Injury
Shullsburg, WI – The recent polar vortex has claimed another victim. Longtime organist Edna Peterson has been hospitalized after being found frozen to the organ pedals this morning. “Poor Edna! …
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Stunning Soprano Defeat! Choir Shutdown Ends
Danville, IL – After 27 days, the longest choir shutdown in history has ended! Stunned sopranos bowed to the inevitable, dropping all demands of massages and manicures and practically begging …
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Gateway Drug? Snowblower Usage a Danger to Spiritual Health
Rocky Ridge, OH – As snow blankets much of the country, shocking new research released this past week revealed what many Lutheran have long suspected: that snowblower usage is a …
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Entire Congregation Falls Asleep During Sermon
St. Louis, MO – Perhaps the sermon on Numbers chapter 2 was one step too far! Pastor Harold Bremmer’s entire congregation fell asleep during the sermon this past Sunday. “I …
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Choir Shutdown Update: Emergency Declaration Imminent?
Danville, IL – As the unprecedented St. Mark’s Lutheran Church choir shutdown enters its tenth day, Director Delores Patterson is said to be contemplating the unthinkable: declaring a choir emergency. …
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Choir Shutdown Continues: No End in Sight
Danville, IL – Not even the power of the altos could prevent this disaster! Local choir director Delores Patterson confirmed on Tuesday that the St. Mark’s Lutheran Church choir is …
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