Athanasian Creed Recitation Turns Deadly

Athanasian Creed Recitation Turns Deadly

Columbus, OH – Twelve people were killed and hundreds hospitalized this past Sunday during a tragic Athanasian Creed recitation at Cross of Life Lutheran Church.

Not even halfway through the impossibly long 660 word proclamation of faith, the first casualties occurred. Scores of parishioners began dropping like flies from exhaustion, dehydration, and orthostatic hypotension.

First responders encountered a dreadful and chaotic scene. The few congregants not completely incapacitated by the Creed were in such a weakened state they were unable to care for the more seriously wounded.

“Oh, the calamity!” sobbed worshipper George Voss from his hospital bed. “I started feeling faint during the “Father is eternal, Son is eternal, Holy Ghost is eternal” part. By the time we started talking about the Holy Ghost being neither made nor begotten, my vision blurred and I got so dizzy I couldn’t stand up. I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up here in the hospital. Has anyone seen my wife? She collapsed seconds before I did.”

Many Lutheran churches employ basic safety measures during Athanasian Creed recitations such as allowing the congregation to remain seated, breaking up the Creed throughout the service, or just simply playing a dramatic reading instead of requiring congregants to speak the taxing profession of faith. Why were these simple safety protocols ignored?

Only a full, free, and impartial investigation can determine the cause of this tragedy and prevent such a catastrophe from happening again.

Photo by Kenn W. Kiser.

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